he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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