he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
