Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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