he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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