Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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