I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
