i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
