So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
