Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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