walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
