We're like a lot better than the average bears
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
