I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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