My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i would punch a child for taco bell
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
