you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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