he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
