he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
