I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
