I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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