There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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