My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
