Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
