Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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