Your tits are I can't wait for
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
