she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
