I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
