hell yes lets make some ravioli
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Randomize
