Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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