i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Randomize
