I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
