this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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