Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
