first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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