My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
This is my life. Enjoy the view
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
