Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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