my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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