you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
