I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
