sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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