considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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