Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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