No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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