Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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