I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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