Cold hands, warm shart.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just found puke in my bra..
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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