How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
