I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
