4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
id be glad to
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
