what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
