Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I AM VODKA MAN
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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