why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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